PETS       SHOW 115 - "SATAN"      Back
   
C4 Prog No: 31489    Prog No. PRX/115 DURATION: 10:57

Post-Production Release Script
by Andrew Barclay & Brian West

INT. KITCHEN. DAY

DAVINA CHATTING TO JP.

DAVINA         Can I ask you a personal question?

JP             Ja.

DAVINA        How did you lose your feathers?

JP         Well, if you must know, I lost them in a card game.

DAVINA        What?

JP        I bet all my plumage on a pair of fours.

DAVINA        Jesus. What kind of degenerate card player would call in a bet like that?

TREVOR WANDERS IN

TREVOR        Er... That would be me.

DAVINA     Trevor?

TREVOR     What?

DAVINA        You are a complete bastard.

TREVOR    Oh. Thanks very much.

DAVINA        Don't mention it.

JP         Anyone fancy a game of strip poker?


CUT TO OPENING TITLES

INT LIVING ROOM. DAY

HAMISH TRYING TO READ BOOK AT TABLE.

TREVOR WALKING HYPNOTICALLY IN CIRCLES.

TREVOR    "Amen ever and ever for glory the and… amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."

HAMISH GLANCES UP

HAMISH    Excuse me… What are you doing?

TREVOR    What does it sound like? I am reciting the Lord's prayer backwards in order to conjure up the devil.

HAMISH    Oh good, because for a moment I thought you might be doing something incredibly stupid…

TREVOR    I'm bored. "Amen ever and ever..."

HAMISH    Stop it!

TREVOR    What?

HAMISH    For fuck's sake stop it! Have you any idea what will happen if you conjure up Satan?

TREVOR    No. That's why I'm doing it. . "Amen ever and ever..."

HAMISH    You are tampering with dark forces that are way beyond your understanding. You are dealing with Beelzebub! The Beast! The Horned Son of The Jackal. The Anti-Christ! You are unleashing evil on a scale that is unimaginable!

(BEAT))

TREVOR    "Amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."

HAMISH    Stop it! For God's sake stop it!

TREVOR    Will you fuck off! You never want me to have any fun. And would you mind moving over there.

HAMISH    Why?

TREVOR    You're in my pentangle.

HAMISH    Oh, sorry. Trevor, don't you realise that you may be condemning yourself to an eternity burning in the fiery furnaces of Hell?

TREVOR    Not necessarily.

HAMISH    What do you mean?


TREVOR REVEALS FLIP CHART ON WHICH IS A CRUDE DIAGRAM


TREVOR    Well, I have here a flow-chart showing the various levels of Hell. Think of it as a sort of run-down Trust House Forte Hotel.

HAMISH    Hotel…

TREVOR    Up here on the second floor you've got yer un-baptized, enjoying natural bliss, undercooked junk food and the occasional Jacuzzi.

HAMISH    Yes…

TREVOR    Here on the first floor you've got yer "in limbo" brigade: those who died before the birth of Christ, those awaiting redemption, oh and independent financial advisors.

In the ground floor lobby and bar you've got yer minor offences. Aggravated burglary, parking tickets, that sort of thing.

HAMISH    Uh huh?

TREVOR    And down here in the basement you've got yer place of agonising punishment for all mortals who die unrepentant of serious sin… Oh, and for people who work in HR departments.

HAMISH    I see.

TREVOR    Now, you will notice that I do not qualify for any of these categories.

HAMISH    Not technically, no. But that doesn't mean that you will escape purgatory.

TREVOR     Well, according to the Second Council of Constantinople in 553AD, I think you'll find it does!

HAMISH    But what about the more radical thinkers of the Renaissance?

TREVOR    Fuck 'em!


JP FLUTTERS IN


JP        Howzit guys! What's happening?

HAMISH    Trevor seems intent on inviting Satan The Prince of Darkness into our home.

(BEAT)

JP        Well, it'll be nice to have a new face around here. Shall I set another place for dinner?

TREVOR    Good idea!



INT THE CAT'S LITTER TRAY. NIGHT

DAVINA SITS TAKING A DUMP AND READING HER MAIL


DAVINA        I've had another letter from my boyfriend Vince. He stowed away on the overnight steam packet to Marseilles a couple of weeks ago. Now he's living in a smoked-filled attic room above a commune of alcoholic post-impressionists in Montmartre.

Last time he did this he was away for 4 years. He came back with 53 giant canvasses of Sacre Coeur, an articulated lorry full of Boursin and a lifetime addiction to Beaujolais Nouveau.

When Vince comes back I'm going to kill him by feeding him with moule, dredged from the Thames next to the raw sewage pipes at Chatham Docks…



DISSOLVE TO


INT LIVING ROOM. DAY

TREVOR AND DAVINA CHATTING

TREVOR   
Excuse me…

DAVINA        What?

TREVOR     I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?

DAVINA        How?

TREVOR    Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.

DAVINA        Go on...

TREVOR    Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?

DAVINA        Can I have a few moments to think about it?

TREVOR    Sure. Take as long as you like.

DAVINA        Hmmmmm. No.

TREVOR    Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?

DAVINA        Yes.

TREVOR    Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.

DAVINA        Don't mention it.

TREVOR STARTS TO EXIT.

HE PAUSES...

TREVOR     I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?

DAVINA     What on earth for?

TREVOR     I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...


INSIDE OF TREVOR'S INTESTINES

TWO TAPE WORMS CHAT AS THEY CHEW FURIOUSLY

FIRST TAPE WORM        ...and of course Alice Cooper used to bite the heads off live chickens.

SECOND TAPE WORM    Ugh! That's revolting


FIRST TAPE WORM        Britney Spears nicked the idea.


SECOND TAPE WORM     Really?


FIRST TAPE WORM         Yes. She'd been doing the chicken eating thing in her act since she was eleven.


SECOND TAPE WORM    Britney Spears doesn't really bite the heads off chickens, does she?


FIRST TAPE WORM        No, not really.


(BEAT)


FIRST TAPE WORM         She uses pigeons.


INT THE KITCHEN. DAY

THE KITCHEN IS FILLED WITH CANDLES.

TREVOR, & HAMISH CHAT TOGETHER

TREVOR    I don't understand it. I've said the Lord's Prayer backwards about fifty times now, and The Devil hasn't shown up yet.

HAMISH    (HUMOURING HIM) Perhaps you're missing something.

TREVOR    Like what?

HAMISH    Sufficient brain activity to power a forty watt bulb?

TREVOR    I've sworn homage and obedience to Satan. I've got me candles. I've anointed myself with magical oil... And I've got the number 666 tattooed on the back of my head..

HAMISH    Let me see.

HAMISH STUDIES THE BACK OF TREVOR'S SKULL

HAMISH    You tosser, it doesn't say 666. It says 999.

TREVOR    Fuck.

HAMISH    You've got more chance of summoning a paramedic than The Lord of Darkness...

TREVOR    I'll murder that tattooist.

HAMISH    So, what do you plan to do now?

TREVOR    Well, according to Ezekiel 38, we must now await the arrival of Gog and Magog.

HAMISH    Gog?

TREVOR    Two great hostile powers controlled by Satan that will appear just before the end of the world.

HAMISH    What form do these two demons Gog and Magog take?

TREVOR    Well, I'm not absolutely sure, but I think Magog manifests himself in the form of a dense, eerie mist.

HAMISH    A fog?

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    Magog is a fog.

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    And Gog?

TREVOR    Gog appears as the Hound of Satan.

HAMISH    A dog?

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    Gog is a dog?

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    Gog is a fog, and Magog is a dog.

TREVOR    No. Magog is a fog, and Gog is a dog. Revelation Verse 103. In later Rabbinic literature, Gog is also identified as "The Sow of Beelzebub".

HAMISH    In other words, a hog?

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    Gog is a hog?

TREVOR    Yeah.

HAMISH    But you said Gog was a dog. Is Gog a hog or a dog?

TREVOR    Now I'm confused.

HAMISH    Magog is a fog, and Gog is either a hog or a dog? And where do these accursed creatures live?

TREVOR    Clapham.

HAMISH    Sigh! So, when do you expect the devil to turn up?

TREVOR    Should be any minute now…

CUT TO CLOSE UP CANDLE BURNING

FADE TO BLACK

INT THE KITCHEN.. NIGHT

FADE UP ON CLOSE UP OF CANDLE BURNED RIGHT DOWN.

CUT TO TREVOR & HAMISH.

THE CANDLES HAVE BURNT DOWN TO ALMOST NOTHING.


TREVOR    Well, I expect he's got a lot of things to do a Friday night.


HAMISH    Like what?


TREVOR    Well, like plotting the downfall of Western civilisation?


HAMISH    Yes…

TREVOR    Vandalising a cemetery, communing with a thousand angry demons? I believe he has been known to "copulate with a hyena"?

HAMISH    On the other hand, he might have just popped down the off-licence.


INT JP'S CAGE. DAY

JP SITTING ON PERCH INSIDE HIS CAGE. HE CHATS DIRECT TO CAMERA

JP    Beelzebub is a welcome guest in the homes of many top celebrities. Film actor Tom Cruise, for example, regularly makes human sacrifices on a specially built alter at his beach house.

Leonardo Di Caprio feasts on the blood of young Filipino virgins , and Cher has a vast bottomless pit of fire in her guest bedroom.

No-one really knows what The Devil looks like. Maar ek hoor hy't die dikste piel ooit! Some say that he has the upper torso of a man , and the legs and genitalia of a hideous and deformed goat. Others say he looks like Michael Winner.

I think I once saw Satan buying the Daily Telegraph in WH Smiths. But I might have been mistaken. It could have been the Daily Express...

I think there's a little bit of the devil living inside all of us. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me. They also tell me to drink my own urine?


FADE TO BLACK


INT. TOILET. DAY

DAVINA AND JP STUDY THE FISH BOWL, IN WHICH IS FLOATING THE LONG DEAD PET GOLDFISH.

JP         I've been thinking.

DAVINA        Mm?

JP         About our little fishy friend.

DAVINA        Hmm?

JP         Well, I was wondering if we should get him baptised?

DAVINA        Baptised?

JP         Ja. In order to protect his little soul from the forces of evil.

(BEAT)

DAVINA     Are you sure it isn't a little late for that?

JP        What do you mean?

DAVINA     Well, I haven't seen him move for about six weeks now.

(BEAT)

JP         Sssssshhhhhh! He's asleep.

DAVINA        (HUMOURING HIM) Yes of course he is. (BEAT) I wonder how we might go about baptising a goldfish?

JP         I'll go look it up on the internet...


INT LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

THE ROOM IS BATHED IN RED LIGHT.

THERE IS A LOW, DRONING, GROWLING SOUND, MIXED WITH THE SPEEDED-UP VOICES OF A MILLION TORTURED SOULS.

TREVOR'S HEAD IS REVOLVING AT HIGH SPEED.


HAMISH    Will you stop doing that!


HE STOPS

TREVOR    Sorry.

THERE IS A CRASH OF THUNDER.

TREVOR AND HAMISH PEER UPWARDS AND BEGIN TO TREMBLE WITH FEAR.


HAMISH     Well, I hope you are pleased with yourself! You have conjured up the Dark Lord.

TREVOR    I thought he'd be taller.

HAMISH    What was the missing ingredient in your spell?

TREVOR     A turnip.

HAMISH    A turnip? A TURNIP??? You are saying that Satan is attracted by certain root vegetables?

TREVOR    Particularly turnips, yeah. It goes back to the Middle Ages apparently.

HAMISH    And what do you suggest we do now?

TREVOR    Well, I suggest that you wait in here and keep an eye on Beelzebub.

HAMISH    And where will you be?

TREVOR    I'll be in the kitchen...

HAMISH    Doing what?

TREVOR    Copulating with a hyena…


INT. THE TOILET. NIGHT

JP LOOKING INTO HIS FISH BOWL

JP        We thank you for the water of baptism,
which refreshes and cleanses the goldfish bowl of life…
Through water you led the little fishes from captivity
to freedom in the promised land.

CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS

JP (OOV)        Therefore, I baptise you, little fishy friend in the name of the Father, the son and

END OF EPISODE