PETS
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Series 1
Millennium Studios Elstree
SHOW 101 “PLEASURE”
Producers ANDREW BARCLAY BRIAN WEST
Director MIKE STEPHENS
Designer KATHERINE LARA
Lighting Director/
Senior Camera ALAN BENNS
Sound ANDY HEWITT/ RICHARD SILLITO
VTR Editor ANNA SKIDMORE
Puppeteers GARRY RUTTER
MANDY TRAVIS
MARTIN WEINLING
Script Supervisor. JULIE CHURCH-BENNS
Technical Crew NICK HIGGS SEBASTIAN KNIGHT
ROBIN NURSE ANDREW YING
Schedule
09.00-13.00 Rehearse/RECORD
13.00-14.00 LUNCH
14.00- 18.00 Rehearse/RECORD
18.00 Wrap
_____________________________________________________________________
This script is the property of Fit2Fill and any reproduction
in whole or part is strictly
forbidden.
____________________________________________________________________
PETS - "Pleasure" PRX/101
SCENE 1: EXT. DAY. PETS HOUSE
(ALREADY RECORDED)
ZOOM IN ON WINDOW
HAMISH (OOV) What are you doing, Trevor?
TREVOR (OOV) Spag off!
HAMISH Charming.
TREVOR If you must know, it's a protest. A sort
of political act...
CUT TO
SCENE 2: INT. DAY. LIVING ROOM
USING A TROWEL, TREVOR IS SMEARING DOG GUBBA ON THE WALLS, WATCHED BY AN INCREDULOUS
HAMISH.
TREVOR (PROUDLY) I am covering the walls with my own faeces...
HAMISH So, what's different?
TREVOR What do you mean?
HAMISH Well, aren't you always covering the
walls with your own faeces. You normally call it "going to the toilet".
TREVOR My personal hygiene is beyond reproach!
I'll have you know, I went through an entire roll of arsewipe last year.
HAMISH I stand corrected. How many rolls did you
use during the nineteen eighties?
TREVOR I don't remember. Five? No... I tell a
lie... six.
HAMISH And how many boxes of man-sized tissues
do you go through every week?
TREVOR Fifty three.
HAMISH I don't get it!
TREVOR It's a different discipline.
HAMISH What is your protest concerning?
TREVOR Animal experiments.
HAMISH Oh.
TREVOR Yeah, I was using some shampoo last week,
and it really burnt my eyes. Bloody stuff should have been tested first.
HAMISH Tested on what?
TREVOR Rabbits of course! Nothing potentially
poisonous, hazardous or corrosive should be put into the shops without first being put
into the eyes of baby rabbits!
HAMISH LOOKS TO CAMERA
HAMISH I am going to kill myself.
FAST CUT TO
GENERIC OPENING TITLES
SCENE 3: INT. DAY. LIVING ROOM
TREVOR IS HUNCHED IN A CORNER, SECRETLY TALKING ON THE PHONE
TREVOR Hello? Is that 999 ?.... Which service?
Mm. Well ambulance I suppose... I am in agony.... It's my back. Yes, my back. The middle
of my back... No, I have not fallen down the stairs… No, I have not slipped a
disc…. I've got an itch…. An ITCH!!! No, I am not winding you up. I have got an
itch and I can't reach it! What do you mean, you can't send an ambulance for that? I've
told you, I'm in agony! Fucking AGONY!!! Hello? Hello? (CLICK) Bastards!
BEAT
TREVOR I'll try the Fire Brigade!
HE REACHES FOR THE PHONE AGAIN
CUT TO BLACK
SCENE 4: INT. DAY. LIVING ROOM
FADE UP ON TREVOR AT LIVING ROOM TABLE. HE IS GYRATING HIS BODY AROUND FURIOUSLY, AND
CONTINUES TO DO SO THROUGHOUT THE SCENE.
DAVINA IS FIDDLING AROUND WITH A BLOODSTAINED BIN BAG.
DAVINA What are you doing?
TREVOR I've got an itch.
DAVINA Hm?
TREVOR I've got an itch, and I can't reach it.
It's driving me fucking mad!
DAVINA So?
TREVOR So, do you think you could possibly...
scratch it for me?
DAVINA Sod off.
TREVOR What?
DAVINA Well, it always starts like this, doesn't
it? You start by asking me to stratch your back, then you roll over and ask me to scratch
your front. The next thing I know you've got an enormous great purple growler and you
start panting like a dog on heat.
TREVOR I am a dog on heat.
DAVINA Well, I'm not falling for it this time.
If you've got an itch, find someone else to scratch it for you.
TREVOR But I've only got short arms.
DAVINA Grow your claws.
TREVOR I'll pay you.
DAVINA With what?
(BEAT)
TREVOR Jaffa Cakes?
DAVINA If you think I'm going to play with your
pink-whippet for a bit of chocolate covered sponge with a jammy filling you are very much
mistaken.
TREVOR So, what do you do if you get fleas?
DAVINA I scratch them myself.
TREVOR What about the ones you can't reach?
DAVINA There is no part of the body that a cat
cannot reach. That's how we keep ourselves so spotlessly clean. We are able to reach every
square inch of our skin with our tongues.
(BEAT)
TREVOR Now... you know what I'm going to say
next, don't you.
DAVINA Yes.
TREVOR So, there's not actually any need for me
to say it, is there?
DAVINA No.
(BEAT)
TREVOR So, you won't scratch my back, then?
DAVINA No.
TREVOR What's in the bag?
DAVINA Fuck off.
FAST ZOOM IN ON TREVOR'S STOMACH
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE 5: INT. THE INSIDE OF TREVOR'S INTESTINES.
TWO TAPE WORMS CHATTING
FIRST TAPE WORM So, what gives you pleasure, then?
SECOND TAPE WORM Let me think. Mmm... Mike Oldfield's first album?
FIRST TAPE WORM Good call. Tubular Bells was a truly innovative
composition. It was used on the original soundtrack of the film "The Exorcist",
you know.
SECOND TAPE WORM So I believe. So I believe. (BEAT) I didn't like his
second album, though.
FIRST TAPE WORM No. (BEAT) Or his third...
SECOND TAPE WORM The forth one was shit as well, wasn't it?
FIRST TAPE WORM Yes.
(BEAT)
SECOND TAPE WORM All Mike Oldfield's albums since "Tubular
Bells" have been shit, haven't they?
FIRST TAPE WORM Oh yes.
(BEAT)
SECOND TAPE WORM Except for the re-release of "Tubular Bells",
of course. That wasn't shit, was it?
FIRST TAPE WORM No.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON
SCENE 6: INT. DAY. KITCHEN
TREVOR & HAMISH AT KITCHEN TABLE
HAMISH Where exactly is this itch?
TREVOR How many times do I have to tell you,
donkeyflaps? It's on my back!
HAMISH Where?
TREVOR Right in the middle.
HAMISH Why don't you scratch it yourself?
TREVOR I can't.
HAMISH Why not?
TREVOR I can't reach it.
(BEAT)
HAMISH Why not?
TREVOR My arms are too short.
(BEAT)
HAMISH Why?
TREVOR I don't know why. Maybe it's something to
do with evolution and natural selection.
HAMISH Have you been watching Animal Planet
again?
TREVOR Look, my back is itching, I can't reach
it, will you scratch it for me?
(BEAT)
HAMISH (CHEERFULLY)) Fuck off and die.
TREVOR You sadistic bastard!
HAMISH Why don't you rub your back up and down
against the window frame?
TREVOR I tried that.
HAMISH What happened?
TREVOR I fell out the window.
HAMISH What about using an abrasive object with
something sharp and pointed at one end?
TREVOR Brilliant idea... I'll use the parrot.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON....
SCENE 7: INT. DAY. THE KITCHEN.
JP IS STUDYING THE DEAD GOLDFISH, FLOATING ON THE TOP OF ITS BOWL. HE CHATS TO CAMERA...
JP Howsit, bloke? Life is a continual quest for
pleasure, isn't it? - and people get pleasure in lots of different ways...I get an
enormous amount of pleasure out of looking after my little pet fishy. He's looking a lot
better today, don't you think?
CLOSE UP DEAD FISH.
CUT BACK TO JP
JP I also get a tremendous amount of pleasure
out of my collection of toothbrushes once owned by famous singers. Would you like to see
them?
JP CROSSES TO A LITTLE PLASTIC RACK FULL OF ASSORTED TOOTHBRUSHES. AND CHATS ONCE AGAIN TO
CAMERA...
JP This one here used to belong to George
Michael... jy, weet hy's moss a koffie moffie, ne? This one has been used to scrape plaque
off the back molars of Michael Ball, and this little chappie here spent two years
massaging the gums of Debbie Harry.
I've been writing to pop stars and asking them for their toothbrushes for six years now,
and I've accumulated a vast and impressive collection. I have a matching set once owned by
The Village People, and an "Oral B" autographed by all the members of Bon
Jovi… and Martine McCutcheon.
I think my proudest possession is the toothbrush that Buddy Holly forgot to pack just
before he died in a terrible plane crash. Also, the dental floss Mamma Cass was about to
use when she choked on her own vomit.
There's something very intimate about a toothbrush. Very intimate indeed. By the way, did
I ever tell you that I like to drink my own urine?
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 8: INT. DAY. THE LIVING ROOM
TREVOR WITH JP, WHO IS IN HIS CAGE
TREVOR Oh come on, Feather Dick.
JP Gaan kak ! I'm not doing it!
TREVOR I'm not asking you for a savaloy supper. I just want you to
scratch my back. It's driving me insane! It's ... right ... in... the middle ..... here
....
JP Why do you want me to do it?
TREVOR Because, you are equipped with one of creation's great natural
back scratchers.
(BEAT)
JP My penis?
TREVOR Your beak you idiot! A billion years of evolution and selective
breeding has chosen to give you a big, pointy thing on the front of your face.
JP Have you been watching Animal Planet again ?
TREVOR I wish people would stop asking me that. You have a
multi-purpose, custom-designed tool for preening, and grooming, and cleaning... And for
digging nuts out of their shells, and for... getting little stones out of horses hooves...
JP Are you sure you're not thinking of a
Swiss Army Knife?
TREVOR Mm. Maybe I am. What are you again?
JP A parrot.
TREVOR So I couldn't, for example, use you for getting a cork out of a
bottle of wine.
JP No.
TREVOR Or for whittling a small piece of driftwood into the shape of a
tiny ship…
JP No.
TREVOR And then inserting it into a very small bottle.
(BEAT)
JP No. (BEAT) You might be able to use my beak
to clip your toenails…
TREVOR (EXPLODING) Will you PLEASE scratch my FUCKING back !!???
JP No.
TREVOR Right!
JP No!
TREVOR PICKS UP JP LIKE A LOOFAH AND USES HIM TO SCRATCH HIS BACK
JP Aaaagggghhhhhh! Foetsek jou fokken cont
!!!
TREVOR Mm. Oh! Ah! Mmmmm! Yes! Yes! Ahhh!
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON
SCENE 9: INT. DAY. THE CAT'S LITTER TRAY
DAVINA SITS TAKING A DUMP AND READING HER MAIL
DAVINA I've had another letter from my
boyfriend, Vince. All he ever thinks of is pleasure. He stowed away in the lifeboat of a
cross-channel ferry last week. Now he's down in Cannes trying to sell the film rights to
his authorised autobiography .
Last time he did this he was away for 6 and a half months. He came back with a three
episode mini-series, Elton's John's wig, and a signed photograph of Liz Hurley squatting
in a litter tray.
When he gets back this time, I'm going to cut him into equal parts and feed him to the
rats over a 13 week period, with an option for a further 13 parts.
Don't talk to me about pleasure... Since Vince buggered off there are few avenues of
pleasure open to me. Even the Prozac on the Kitty Kat doesn't help anymore.
(BEAT)
DAVINA You know those mobile phones that
vibrate. (SHE DEMONSTRATES) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ! I found one that somebody had lost, and
in desperation I inserted it, longways, in... you know, my most " private"
place. And guess what? It hasn't rung ONCE! Just my luck to find a vibrating phone
belonging to someone with no friends.
Pleasure? Huh! Don't make me laugh!
CUT TO
SCENE 10: INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
TREVOR AND HAMISH ASLEEP IN THEIR CHAIRS. SUDDENLY AN UNHOLY WAILING SOUND ECHOES THROUGH
THE NIGHT.
JP (OOV) Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
(BEAT)
JP (OOV) Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Uuuoooooooh!
TREVOR Oh, for fuck's sake! Alright, I'm
sorry I used you to scratch my back!!
(LONG PAUSE)
JP (OOV) Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Uuuoooooooh!
TREVOR And I'm sorry I used you to wipe my
bottom.
JP (OOV) Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
TREVOR And I'm really, really sorry I
flushed you down the hewitt afterwards.
(LONG PAUSE)
JP (OOV) Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Uuuoooooooh!
TREVOR Right!
TREVOR HURTLES TOWARDS JP'S CAGE, WHICH IS COVERED BY A BLANKET IN THE CORNER HE HAMMERS
AGAINST THE BARS OF THE CAGE WITH A BIG STICK.
THE TERRIBLE HOWLING STOPS
CUT TO
SCENE 11: EXT. PETS HOUSE. NIGHT
(ALREADY RECORDED)
ZOOM OUT FROM WINDOW ON FIRST FLOOR.
TREVOR (OOV) Hamish...
HAMISH (OOV) What?
TREVOR (OOV) Will you scratch my back?
HAMISH (OOV) Fuck OFF!
FAST CUT TO CREDITS
THEN …..
AFTER CREDITS CUT BACK TO
SCENE 12: EXT. PETS HOUSE. NIGHT
STATIC GV OF BUILDING.
(ALREADY RECORDED)
JP (OOV) Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Uuuoooooooh!
THE SOUND OF TREVOR HAMMERING AGAINST THE BARS OF THE CAGE WITH A BIG STICK.
THE TERRIBLE HOWLING STOPS
FADE TO BLACK
END OF EPISODE