PETS     SHOW 111 - "MONEY"       Back
   
C4 Prog No: 31489   Prog No. PRX/111  DURATION: 11:07


Post-Production Release Script
by Andrew Barclay & Brian West


INT. DAY. LIVING ROOM

TREVOR     I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

HAMISH    What?

TREVOR    Hit me, as hard as you can.

HAMISH    I don't want to hit you.

TREVOR    Hit me!

HAMISH    What the fuck for?

TREVOR    I'm bored. I wanna know how it feels to be punched in the face

HAMISH    Ugh.

TREVOR    Really hard.

HAMISH    Alright, I'll do it.

HAMISH HITS TREVOR, SENDING HIS LITTLE BODY FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.


PAUSE

HAMISH     Well? How was it?

TREVOR    Shall we do something else now..?




CUT TO:OPENING TITLES


INT. NIGHT. THE LIVING ROOM

HAMISH IS ATTEMPTING TO READ THE PAPER


TREVOR IS ENGAGED IN SOME KIND OF DIGGING ACTIVITY UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS


HAMISH    Do you plan to continue humping the floorboards for much longer?

TREVOR    Fuck off!

HAMISH    There is very little future in a sexual relationship with an inanimate object.

TREVOR    Listen, donkeyflaps, I am not humping the floorboards! I'm burying something.

HAMISH    How stupid of me. Of course you are. And what exactly are you burying?

TREVOR    Not that it's any of your fucking business, but if you must know I am burying a bone.

HAMISH    A bone? Oh how very passe. What sort of bone?

TREVOR    If you don't shut up, it'll be one of yours!

HAMISH    Why don't you bury it in the garden?

TREVOR    It's raining.

HAMISH    Oh.

TREVOR    So I 'm burying the fucking thing under the floorboards. Do you have a problem with that???

HAMISH    There's no need to shout.

TREVOR    I am NOT shouting!!!

HAMISH    (QUIETLY)    Pugbox!

TREVOR    What?

HAMISH    Nothing.


TREVOR    Hello...what's this?

TREVOR CHUCKS A SUITCASE ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE. DUST FLIES EVERYWHERE.

HAMISH    A suitcase...What's inside it?

TREVOR    Mmm....

TREVOR CONCENTRATES VERY HARD LIKE A MINDREADER

TREVOR    No...sorry; I can't tell you without opening it first.

HAMISH    Open it then.... Oh, damn! It's got a combination lock….

TREVOR    It'll be zero, zero, zero, zero, then

HAMISH    What?

TREVOR    The combination. Zero, zero, zero, zero.

HAMISH    How do you know that?

TREVOR    It's always zero, zero, zero, zero. It's the only four digit combination anyone can ever remember.

HAMISH    Are you sure?

TREVOR    Does catsnatch taste like chicken?

HAMISH    I wouldn't know.

TREVOR    Rhetorical question. Right...


TREVOR PUTS IN THE COMBINATION.

TREVOR    Zero...zero....zero... bollocks!

HAMISH    Well?

TREVOR    Must be 1-2-3-4…


TREVOR TRIES AGAIN


TREVOR    Nope.

HAMISH    4-3-2-1 ?

TREVOR    Er… no.

HAMISH    Fuck. How many combinations are there of four numbers from 1 to 9?

TREVOR    Eleven? I dunno. Billions probably.

HAMISH    So, are you going to carry on randomly trying combinations until you grow old and die, or...?

TREVOR    Or what..?

HAMISH    Or are you going to try and come up with an intelligent solution to the problem?

TREVOR    Intelligent. Mm….

CUT TO:

INT. NIGHT. LIVING ROOM

TREVOR IS HITTING THE CASE WITH A BIG HAMMER.


HAMISH    You have been hitting that case for 3 hours now…

TREVOR    I know!

HAMISH    Do you think it's time to consider an alternative approach?

TREVOR    No. Mindless brute force and violence is the solution to everything.

HE CARRIES ON HITTING IT. THE LOCK FLIES OFF.

TREVOR    There you go. Told you.

THEY OPEN THE LID OF THE CASE.

IT IS FULL OF NEATLY PACKED FIFTY POUND NOTES.

THEY STARE IN AWE AT THE CASE CONTENTS

HAMISH    Oh...my...God!

TREVOR    Fuck! There must be thousands in there...!

JP FLIES INTO VIEW

JP        Howsit guys! What are you doing?

TREVOR SLAMS THE CASE SHUT.


TREVOR    Nothing!

JP        What's in the case?

HAMISH    What case?

JP        Can I have a look?

HAMISH WHISPERS IN TREVOR'S EAR.

HAMISH    What the hell are we going to do now?

TREVOR    Well, we can't let him find out about the money. We'd have to share it with the bastard.

HAMISH    What we need is a cover story so brilliant that he'll never be tempted to look inside the case...

TREVOR    And that would be..?

HAMISH    I can't think of one.

TREVOR    So, it's agreed, then?

HAMISH    Yes. We'll have to kill the parrot

TREVOR    Shall we do it now?

HAMISH    No time to lose. Give me the hammer.

WHEN THEY LOOK UP JP HAS DISAPPEARED


HAMISH    He's gone. And so has the case...

TREVOR    Fuck!

DAVINA WANDERS IN

DAVINA        Is something wrong?

HAMISH    What? No. Why would there be anything wrong?

DAVINA        Only, I thought I saw the parrot running away with what looked like a suitcase.

PAUSE   

HAMISH    Would you excuse us for a moment?

HAMISH AND TREVOR GO INTO A HUDDLE

HAMISH    I think you know what I'm going to say next.

TREVOR    Yeah. Of course I do. (Beat) What?

HAMISH    We going to have to kill the cat as well.

TREVOR    Who's going to do it?

HAMISH    I'll toss you for it.

TREVOR    Got a coin?

HAMISH    No.

TREVOR    Fuck.

HAMISH    We'll have to try something else.

HAMISH TURNS TO DAVINA

HAMISH    I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately, because the house...is haunted… and may fall down at any moment! (BEAT) Assuming that the rare strain of bubonic plague present in the u-bend under sink doesn't kill us first.

DAVINA        Are you two up to something?

HAMISH    No. Absolutely, definitely not.

WE HEAR JP IN THE KITCHEN

JP (OOV)    Fuck me!

TREVOR    What was that?

DAVINA        Well, I'm only guessing, but it sounded to me like a small parrot who's just discovered several hundred thousand pounds stuffed inside a suitcase.

HAMISH    It might have been the central heating coming on?

JP (OOV)    Fuck! Fuck! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Hallelujah praise die here almagtig!

PAUSE

HAMISH    Definitely the radiators. Come on Trevor, we have to go and check the boiler...in the kitchen.

TREVOR    Ooh, can we have a sandwich while we're in there? I haven't eaten for ten minutes…



INT. TREVOR'S INTESTINES

LOUD GURGLING NOISES. TWO LITTLE WHITE TAPE WORMS CHATTING TO EACH OTHER AS THEY CHEW FURIOUSLY

FIRST TAPE WORM        ... it did, it originally came out in 1973, a full year before Waterloo.

SECOND TAPE WORM    Rubbish! "Waterloo" was ABBA's first record release.

FIRST TAPE WORM        In the UK, yeah, but "Ring Ring" was released BEFORE they entered the Eurovision Song Contest in 1974.

SECOND TAPE WORM    Then after "Waterloo" they released "SOS".

FIRST TAPE WORM        No! There were 3 other singles between Waterloo and "SOS", including the chart-topping "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do"

SECOND TAPE WORM    Wasn't that "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do" ?

FIRST TAPE WORM        How many "I Do's" did I say?

SECOND TAPE WORM    Four.


FIRST TAPE WORM        Oh yeah, you're right. I should have said five "I Do's". "I Do, I Do, I Do…"


INT. KITCHEN. DAY

JP HAS SCATTERED BANK NOTES EVERYWHERE.

JP        Hey, guys. Look what I found. The case is full of cash!

TREVOR AND HAMISH ARE ON THEIR WAY INTO THE KITCHEN

HAMISH    Stay away from it! The money is ours. We found it first.

TREVOR    Actually, I found it. Under the floorboards.

HAMISH    We both found it.

TREVOR    Fuck off! It was also my precision scientific methodology that got the case open...

HAMISH    Trevor, you wouldn't know scientific methodology if it stuck its tongue down your throat and dry-shagged you on the back seat of a Ford Escort.

JP        So, how are we going to spend it, guys? How about a loft extension. Or maybe a little Jacuzzi?

TREVOR GRABS JP AROUND THE THROAT.

TREVOR    You know what? I'm going to pull your wings out, cover them in barbecue sauce, and feed them to your arse.

JP        What are you trying to say?

DAVINA (OOV)     Excuse me, is everything alright in there!

JP        Help! Help!

TREVOR    Shut up, lagwit!


TREVOR HEADBUTS JP

HAMISH    Good. Now lets get rid of the cat

TREVOR    How?

HAMISH    Use your imagination!

TREVOR STARTS TO EXIT.


CLOSE UP HAMISH.

HAMISH    He's gone. The gullible fool! And now that money will be mine; all mine... Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

TREVOR    Excuse me.

HAMISH    What?

TREVOR    I haven't gone yet!

HAMISH    Sorry, ours. The money will be "ours". All ours. You and me - we'll share it. I promise, old friend...

TREVOR    What was all that laughing?


HAMISH    Go away.


INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

JP SITS IN HIS CAGE CHATTING TO CAMERA

JP    Greed is a terrible thing. It can consume you like a huge, fierce animal with long pointy teeth and sharp claws.

Greed can creep up behind you in a dark alleyway, and touch you very gently and suggestively on the leg in a way that you're not entirely comfortable with.

Greed can lure you into an airing cupboard, push you up against the hot water tank, and roughly have its wicked way with you. And greed will never call you afterwards, or even offer to buy you a coffee.

The greediest man in history was probably King Midas, who turned everything that he touched to solid gold. Sadly, this meant that King Midas was never able to "touch himself" in any way.

Did I tell you that I like to drink my own urine?

INT.LIVING ROOM NIGHT

HAMISH AND JP IN CONFERENCE.

HAMISH    ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Agreed?

JP    Agreed.

HAMISH    Good. All we have to do is wait until Trevor's asleep, tie him up, then gently carry him into the kitchen and drown him in the washing machine.

JP        On which setting?

HAMISH    Sixty degrees I think. Colourfast cottons.

JP        I like it. It's clever. It's quick. It's…

HAMISH    Clean?

JP        Clean, yes.

HAMISH    I'll meet you back here at two a.m.


INT.LOUNGE NIGHT

TREVOR AND JP ARE NOW IN CONFERENCE

TREVOR    ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Is that fair?

JP        Reckon it is, mate.

TREVOR    Okay, here's the plan. We'll wait until he's asleep, then we creep into the living room and cut off his head and his legs with an electric carving knife.

JP        Then what?

TREVOR     We put his head in the freezer, and the rest of him in the fridge.

JP        Where in the fridge?

TREVOR    Good question - I like the way you're thinking. His body can go in the salad drawer, and his legs can go in that little milk-bottle holder on the inside of the door.

JP        With the Tizer.

TREVOR    With the Tizer, yes.

PAUSE

JP        Where are we going to put the yoghurt?

TREVOR    The yoghurt can go on that little shelf at the bottom of the fridge.

JP        I thought his front legs were going in there.

TREVOR    No, they're going in the salad compartment.

JP        What shall we do with the iceberg lettuce?

TREVOR    We'll put that in a little Tupperware container on the top shelf.

JP        Right.

TREVOR    I'll meet you back here at 02.00 am…


INT.LOUNGE NIGHT

JP STANDS IN THE DARKENED LIVING ROOM WITH THE SUITCASE.


HAMISH AND TREVOR APPEAR FROM EITHER SIDE, ONE CARRYING A ROPE, THE OTHER AN ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE

SUDDENLY, JP SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT

JP        Hi, guys! Before everyone starts killing everyone else, I have some good news and some bad news.

TREVOR    What?

JP        The bad news is that all the cash is gone.

HAMISH    Gone???

JP        I gave it to charity.


TREVOR    Charity??


JP        Ja. I just couldn't bear to see it tearing us apart. Everyone was talking about killing everyone else. It was horrible. I just wanted us all to be friends again.

HAMISH    Which charity?


JP        Oh, the cat was at the window rattling a tin for some charity or other. So I gave her the lot. She needed a hundred and fifty collection tins to stuff it all in.

HAMISH    That thieving little bitch!

JP        Now, I think what is called for is a group hug to reaffirm our friendship. What do you think, chaps?

THE DOGS LOOK AT EACH OTHER MOMENTARILY, THEN START BEATING JP TO A PULP.

CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS.

END OF EPISODE