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C4 Prog No: 31489  Prog No. PRX 102

Post-Production Release Script
by Andrew Barclay & Brian West

SCENE 1    INT. /KITCHEN /NIGHT

HAMISH (V.O)        My name is Hamish. I'm thirty-five years old. In less than a week, I'll be dead. In a way, I'm dead already. Look at that poor bastard on the kitchen table being operated on by an unqualified parrot and a drug-dependent cat. Funny thing is, this is the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here. So that's a vacuum cleaner... and this is my life. (LAUGHS) You'd think I wouldn't miss it so much...

JP        It's hopeless! It's jammed solid! It won't budge!

DAVINA    What are you going to do, then?

JP        Well, we have a difficult decision to make...

DAVINA    You mean...

JP        ...Yes. (Beat) It's either the patient, or the hoover. I can't save both of them. What'll it be?

DAVINA    We really need that hoover...

JP        Yes we do...

HAMISH (V.O)        Nice people, huh? Or at least, I thought they were - just one, short week ago....


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OPENING TITLES

SCENE 2    INT.LOUNGE. DAY

TREVOR    Do you believe in life after death?

HAMISH    No, because if there was life after death we wouldn't call death death, because it would still be life. So, what I think you're asking is 'is there life after life'. Which is a really stupid question.

TREVOR    You don't know, do you?

HAMISH    Of course I don't fucking know! I'm not dead, am I?
Although, I suspect that having a conversation with you is tantamount to being dead. Anyway, why this sudden interest in death?

TREVOR    I'm in a bit of trouble.

HAMISH    What sort of trouble?

TREVOR    Money trouble.

HAMISH    How much money?

TREVOR    Three thousand pounds.

HAMISH    What!!

TREVOR    Lost it on a horse in the one-fifteen.

HAMISH    What horse?

TREVOR    The Stumbler, I think his name was

HAMISH    Why the hell did you bet three thousand pounds on a horse called 'The Stumbler'?

TREVOR    I thought he would win.

HAMISH    Where did you get the money in the first place?

TREVOR    Borrowed it. I got a bookie in the smoke. He bungs me the odd pony for the horses, see.

HAMISH    Will you please stop talking like you're in The Sweeney?

TREVOR    Sorry. It sort of goes with the image.

HAMISH    Only if you're a c**t. (BLEEPED)

TREVOR    Thing is, he's a violent psychopath who hurts people who don't pay him back.

HAMISH    Oh dear, oh dear. And you owe him three thousand pounds.

TREVOR    Yes. (Beat) Well, no. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Theoretically, I owe him three thousand pounds. Technically, you do...

HAMISH    What...?

TREVOR    I used your name to borrow the money.

HAMISH    Could you run that by me just one more time?

TREVOR    If you don't come up with three thousand pounds by the weekend, you're very likely to be dead.

HAMISH    I see.

TREVOR    Sorry.

HAMISH (V.O.)        And that's all he said. 'Sorry.' As if that could possibly make up for everything...



CUT TO


SCENE 3    INT.LOUNGE. DAY

DAVINA    Oy - limp-dick. You seen my tablets anywhere?

TREVOR    No.

HAMISH (V.O.)         Oh, this is the cat. She's a Persian blue, but I prefer to think of her as...a crazy, psychotic bitch

TREVOR    No, I haven't seen your tablets.

DAVINA    Are you sure? Because if you have, and you're not telling me, I'm going to put a skewer through your knob.

TREVOR    You're not very good in the mornings, are you?

DAVINA    So, have you seen them?

TREVOR    A long-term dependence on prescription drugs can actually be more harmful than beneficial, according to a report in my magazine

DAVINA    Really? I wasn't aware that Big Lady Flaps Monthly was a medical publication.

TREVOR    Oy - I'll have you know that's a quality read.

DAVINA    It's a spangle mag!

TREVOR    So?

DAVINA    It's not like it carries any kind of intelligent editorial.

TREVOR    Yes it does...

DAVINA    Where? In-between pictures of Miss Mega Muff and Sally Super Snatch?

TREVOR    Actually, it focuses on a number of important issues.

DAVINA    What's important about seeing a couple of reader's wives being backscuttled with a cricket stump?

TREVOR    Well, it's important to me...

HAMISH (V.O)        Classy people, my friends. Is it any wonder I started to feel desperate?


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SCENE 4    INT. KITCHEN. DAY

JP        Howzit, mate.....

HAMISH (V.O)        Oh, This is the parrot. He's not really a friend - he's more of a featherless prick who hangs around with us trying to be cool. He can't help how he is.

JP        Can I ask you something?

HAMISH    Yes...but you'll have to make it quick...

JP        Why have you got a kitchen utensil on your head?

HAMISH    I should have thought that was obvious.

JP        Not really...

HAMISH    Look - just do me a favour and switch on the wall plug, will you?

JP         Sure.

HAMISH    Goodbye, cruel world....

JP        Here we go, then...

JP FLIPS THE SWITCH. HE WHO GETS ELECTROCUTED

JP        Aaaaaaaargh!!! Jou got verdomde hoer !!!

HAMISH    Oh, bugger!


CUT TO:

SCENE 5    INT.LOUNGE. DAY

TREVOR    Did I tell you about the time I went to college?

DAVINA    You?

TREVOR    Yes. Me.

DAVINA    I didn't know you could take an honours degree in wanking.

TREVOR    If you must know, I was training to be a guide dog for the blind.

DAVINA    No. Sorry. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

TREVOR    And I was doing alright, until...the accident.

DAVINA    You were in an accident?

TREVOR    I was doing my first year practical exam with a partially-sighted lady from Leicestershire. I got her half way across town without a single bump when we reached this zebra crossing...

DAVINA    Go on...

TREVOR    I'm not sure that I can. It's very painful to tell.

DAVINA    Actually, it's very painful to listen to...

TREVOR    So, we were at the crossing when suddenly, down the road, I saw Kasha, a particularly attractive Hungarian Poolie from the third year.

DAVINA    And..?

TREVOR    You must understand that I had a tremendous respect for her...

DAVINA    i.e. you were trying to get into her pants...

TREVOR    ...For twelve months solid, yes, so I took my chance and popped over to see her. The blind lady didn't seem to notice, so I thought she'd be okay for a moment.

DAVINA    But...

TREVOR    At that precise moment, the local milk float had the one and only mechanical failure in its otherwise unblemished seventeen-year history. Right on the zebra crossing. By the time I got back, there was low-fat yougurt and body parts all over the place...

DAVINA    What did you do?

TREVOR    Well, I tried to bury what was left of her, didn't I? And I'd have got away with it if I hadn't left that bastard white stick poking out of the ground.

DAVINA    I'm surprised they didn't have you destroyed.

TREVOR    Ah, well they tried to. But I was rescued from the police pound.



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SCENE 6    INT.KITCHEN. DAY

HAMISH STANDS ON THE TABLE, A ROPE AROUND HIS NECK

HAMISH    It is a far, far better thing I do now, than I have ever done...

HAMISH JUMPS OFF THE TABLE AND OUT OF SHOT

THE ROPE FOLLOWS HIM

IT HAS NOT BEEN SECURED PROPERLY

HAMISH (O.O.V)    Fuck! Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity fuck!


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SCENE 7    INT.LOUNGE. /DAY

DAVINA    So, you were rescued by Animal Liberation people?

TREVOR    In an almost military-style operation, they effected my escape and took me back to their secret base in the woods. For the next three years we went on a series of thrilling adventures together.

DAVINA    What sort of adventures?

TREVOR    Well, there was the time we rescued those children from the mine...

DAVINA    The mine, yes...

TREVOR    The day we smashed an international drugs cartel operating out of Columbia...

DAVINA    Yes...

TREVOR    And one memorable weekend where we chaired a secret peace initiative between members of the Israeli government and the Palestine Liberation Organisation. Eventually, though, I had to be rescued again. This time by the RSPCA.

DAVINA    Why?

TREVOR    It was Claire. She started...touching me in unusual places.

DAVINA    Such as?

TREVOR    The kitchen, on the landing and in the shed.

DAVINA    You're making this up, aren't you.

TREVOR    Yes.

DAVINA    You know, I think you are possibly the most irritating person I have ever met


JP ENTERS.

JP        Hello...

DAVINA    I stand corrected.

JP        Have you seen him?

DAVINA    Have we seen who?

JP        Hamish.

DAVINA    No. Why?

JP        I think he's cleaning the oven. Only, he must be doing it really thoroughly, because he's had his head stuck in it for ten minutes.

PAUSE

JP        Oh my God!


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SCENE 8    INT. KITCHEN. DAY

HAMISH (V.O)        Look at me - trying to take the easy way out. What a loser. I'll realise in a minute that it's an electric oven...

HAMISH    Ow! Ow! God, that's hot!



CUT TO:

SCENE 9    INT. LOUNGE. DAY

JP    I once had a near-death experience in a kitchen. I was fast asleep when suddenly I was engulfed in a bright, white light. I assumed it was an invitation to the celestial hereafter. Turns out it was Trevor turning on the strip light.

But I've always imagined that heaven would be a very peaceful place where people could do whatever they wanted. And they'd probably have a really good darts team, too. Everyone would smile all the time, no-one would use bad language, and there would be free hairdressing. And, of course, you'd be allowed to drink your own urine....


CUT TO

SCENE 10    INT LOUNGE DAY

HAMISH    So, to recap, you shafted me over a gambling debt, I owe three thousand pounds to a dangerous criminal, and I may soon be dead. What do you suggest I do?

TREVOR    Make a will?

HAMISH    When is this character likely to turn up demanding his money?

TREVOR    Any moment...now!

WE HEAR A FURIOUS AND VIOLENT KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

HAMISH    Oh, my God! Well, there's only one thing for it - you'll have to explain to him what happened, and we'll work out a way to pay him back. If we stick together, we'll be alright. Yes?

HAMISH TURNS. TREVOR HAS GONE

HAMISH    Bastard!

THE KNOCKING CONTINUES...

HAMISH    Alright. I'll deal with this myself. I mean, how violent can he be...?



CUT TO:

SCENE 11    INT.KITCHEN. NIGHT


JP        How did it happen?

DAVINA    Bad gambling debt I believe.

JP        You mean that he shoved a hoover pipe up his rear end over a debt?

DAVINA    Yeah.

HAMISH (V.O)        Yes, it was a painful and humiliating experience.... But I had to do it to him...    What? You thought it was me with a hoover pipe up my arse? Oh no. You see, I discovered it was all one big joke. It was Trevor's idea of a sense of humour. Well, he's not laughing now...

TREVOR    Oww!!!

HAMISH V/O        And as for me? I fell over in the bath, knocked myself unconscious and drowned. What a bummer.... I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.


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CREDITS


END OF EPISODE